


The choice

by NatBBfan



Category: Homeland
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-20
Updated: 2020-12-08
Packaged: 2020-12-24 20:42:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 20,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21105701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NatBBfan/pseuds/NatBBfan
Summary: Complete AU season 5. Carrie has been leading a normal life out of the Agency for over two years when she receives a call from Saul trying to get her back on a very special mission. What will she do? How will her family react?





	1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Homeland, or any of its characters or plots. All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners.

"Come on, Franny, dad'll be down here any minute now, eat your breakfast. You don't want to be late, do you?" Carrie asked her still sleepy daughter. It was Monday morning and the light sun shone through the big kitchen windows. Both mother and daughter depictured a typical, normal home scene rushing through breakfast on a school day. Seeing them no one could ever guess that the mother had spent most of her professional career as a CIA officer, stationed overseas most of the time, in some of the most dangerous countries in the planet, and that the little girl's biological father had once been the most wanted terrorist on earth.

"No, Mommy," Franny said taking her fork and slowly eating her scrambled eggs. "These are good," she added with a mouthful of food.

"Sweetheart, no speaking with your mouth full, remember?" Carrie automatically said while keeping an eye on the pancakes she had on the stove. During the last two years she had really improved her cooking skills, which was quite easy given that she had none previously, but she still felt clumsy at it sometimes.

"Sorry, Mommy," Franny apologised after swallowing her last bit of eggs.

"That's okay, sweetie. Wanna pancakes, too?"

Franny nodded and Carrie set a plate with one pancake and a glass of milk in front of her. "_God, she really is a good eater. And a good sleeper, and such a good kid in everything. How did I get so lucky with her?_" she thought to herself, and immediately a question rushed her mind. "_Was Brody also good as a kid?_"

Carrie's own father used to tell her that she had been reckless as a child. "_So she must have gotten it from Brody_," she said to herself, like every other time that those thoughts would come to her mind. "_That, and the great job Maggie did with her when she was a baby_." Carrie had left for Kabul to be CIA station chief right after Franny had been born, leaving her with her father and her sister Maggie. Memories of that time still haunted her and she often questioned how she had been able to leave her baby behind. Fortunately for her, Franny had no recollection at all of that stage of her life and after her last job for the CIA in Islamabad, in which she had faced death, betrayal and destruction, Carrie had left the Agency and started a new life, a "normal" life, like she liked to call it.

"Hey, good morning girls," Carrie's husband greeted when he entered the kitchen. As he passed by his wife, who was still standing retrieving the last pancakes from the stove, he placed his arm around her waist affectionately.

"Mm, pancakes on a working day. What's the occasion?" he asked smiling at her, slightly caressing her smooth skin under the t-shirt she was wearing.

Her husband had played a key role in her helping her change her life while he himself was going through the same process. Also a former CIA operative, his determination to lead a normal life had been the ultimate reason that had brought them together after years of working as a team on the field, on some of the most dangerous countries of the world. During his former career he had been working both for and against Carrie, above and under her command, but neither position had ever dampened the feelings he had started to develop for her since the first time they had been on a case together, which happened to be when he was assigned to lead a survaillance team to observe Franny's father who was a person of interest on a terrorism case at that time.

Carrie smiled back. "You, thanks for last night," she said winking.

"My pleasure, anytime," he replied also with a wink.

They had been trying to have a baby for the last year. Since their efforts had failed to achieve satisfactory results, after a few months they had both had their medical checkups and all the tests came back all right. "There's nothing wrong with any of you. It's just a matter of time," Dr. Smith had kindly told them, warm smile on her face.

Since then, scheduled sex had become a part of their daily routine, and Carrie was concerned it might be taking a toll on their relationship. When they agreed to give it a try and seek a normal life together with Franny, still a baby then, with regular jobs, a house, a mortgage, etc... she was taken aback by the intensity of their intimate encounters. But, when she came to think of it, it was just as if their constant banter had been directly traslated into sex. Plus they were both really passionate in everything they did, why should be sex be any different?

It was not that they did not banter anymore, because they did, as much as when they were just friends and coworkers. That, and the fact that they did not appear to be a regular couple (for instance, they did not use pet names or show any public demonstration of affection), made people around them wonder sometimes if they were really a couple in the full sense of the word, and not just two close friends that had decided to live and raise a family together. These people would have been astonished to know how they behaved once they locked the door to their bedroom.

So after over two years into amazing sex, she found it hard to keep him at arm's length until it was the right time. The night before she had waken him, stick in hand, whispering "Hey, according to the test I'm ovulating now," and he had smiled and pulled her in for a hug, mumbling "Come here", kissing her neck and unbuttoning her night gown. He had made love to her gently and slowly, giving her time to enjoy it despite the rush of the moment, and she had felt both wanted and loved. Not that she had not felt that way almost every day since they had decided to become a family. In fact, that had been a huge surprise when they first got together: he had a romantic side nobody could have imagined, not even Carrie, knowing him as well as she did, and not even himself.

_"There's no enough pancakes in the world to thank you'_", she thought while she looked at him as he turned around to Franny, who was amusedly watching the interaction between the two adults in the house. Nearly four years old, Franny was a happy and smart girl who had inherited her biological father's looks and her mother's natural intelligence, and would do anything in the world to please her adoptive father, the man that was raising her.

"How are you today, Franny?" he asked the girl while taking a plate with pancakes and sitting on the stool beside her, as Carrie handed him a mug of coffee. "Thanks Carrie," he raised his gaze to look at her again. After years of hiding her feelings for her he still could not believe she had agreed to leave the CIA behind and start a new life with him of all people. And that she had shared her daughter with him, letting him legally adopt her.

"Great dad, you?" she happily said after finishing her pancake, trying to reach her glass of milk, which he took and placed in her small hands.

"Me too, sweetie. Careful there, don't spill your milk," he said thinking that it would not be the first time that they would have to run upstairs to change her clothes from hair to toes. He had pointed out multiple times that it would be more practical to let her have breakfast in pajamas, but Carrie had complained about Franny taking ages to change after breakfast. "It takes her long enough to brush her teeth, you'd be always late if she had to change," she had stated to finish the discussion.

"I won't Dad, don't want Mommy to get mad..." Franny muttered. That comment was just intended for her father, but Carrie also heard it.

While her husband chuckled, Carrie complained. "Franny, I don't get mad. It's just that you're a big girl now and..." But when she heard him mumbling "No, she doesn't," she turned to address him.

"You know what, I give up. You two together are just too much... Yes, Franny, Mommy gets mad sometimes. I'm sorry," she apologized to her daughter. "Now, time to go, wash your hands, brush your teeth and grab your backpack..." she said lifting Franny from the kitchen stool and placing her on the floor. Before running upstairs, the kid and her dad high-fived each other, a big smile on both her faces.

"I'm sorry, Carrie, that was out of line. I'll talk to her on our way to school. I know she's not an adult and she doesn't..." he apologised in a low voice as soon as Franny left the kitchen.

"No, it's all right. I'm sure she gets it by now. She's watched us banter since she was a baby..." she said as she leant on the kitchen counter, tucking her blond hair behind her right ear to keep it away from her face.

"Are you ok?" he asked worried, getting up to bring his plate and mug to the sink, but stopping on his tracks as soon as he noticed her pale face.

"Yes, just tired. This new class is gonna kill me..." she complained drying her hands with a kitchen towel and turning to clear the stove.

He put his arms around her waist from behind and rested his chin on her left shoulder. "Come on, Carrie, not Abu Nazir, not Haqqani, not the Pakistani ISI was able to kill you... I'm sure you'll survive teaching High School History in DC..." he half-joked. Carrie had been on her meds and mentally stable for the last two years, which was something she had not been able to achieve before since she had been diagnosed during her first year in college, but deep inside he was worried her discontent about her job could end up triggering a depressive episode. He took pride in being part of her health wellness and the mere thought that her job could jeopardize that made him sick.

"No, believe me, they're gonna kill me out of fucking boredom... They show so little interest, and they could show some fucking respect, too..." she trailed off leaning back into his body.

"Mon, language!" Fanny exclaimed from the kitchen door, coat and backpack in hand.

"Sorry, sweetie..." No cursing in front of Franny was one the most difficult things they found to adjust to when they started living together. And still sometimes it would slip from their tongues, usually from her. They still cursed when the girl was not around, though.

"You have a good day, Carrie," he said grabbing his phone and his keys, and kissing her cheek. Not for the first time, he thanked the providence (if there was any) and mostly, Dar Adal, for his civilian job. His former boss in the CIA had made sure to provide him with a good job as a security consultant in a multinational company based in Virginia. Unlike Carrie, he was lucky to work doing what he did best (security), and he would be forever grateful to Dar. Who would have thought two years ago!

But while he was happy with his job, Carrie was totally gloomy about hers. He had encouraged her to look for another job but she kept saying that thinking about having a new baby in the family was not the best timing to start looking for a new occupation. Yet time went by and she was more bored and disappointed with the day.

Right after her husband and Franny were gone, her cell phone started ringing. She took it from the kitchen counter and froze as she noticed who the caller was. Saul Berenson, her mentor and former boss in the CIA. She had not talked to him for the last two years. He had been really helpful when she had applied for her final leave in the CIA, she had to give him that, but she could not bring herself to overlook the fact that he had been involved with Dar Adal in negotiations with Haqqani himself.

Taking a deep breath, she let his call go to voice mail after a few tones. When it chimed again, she was about to delete his voice message without hearing it when she noticed a text on her cell screen instead. She was stunned to read it. "Carrie, call me back, will you? It's important. Your country needs you."

"_What on hell would he want?"_ she thought to herself. It was not the first time throughout the years that Saul had reached out to her with the same line. "Carrie, we need you", or even, "Carrie, I need you." But he had never done it again since she had left the CIA for good two years ago, as he was positive there was no going back for her. "_So, why now?"_

Doing her best to put aside the curiosity that Saul's text had caused in her, she hurried in tidying the kitchen and getting ready for her boring job.

Meanwhile, Saul Berenson made his way into a crowded diner in downtown DC, looked around and sat on a stool beside an old colleague. In the more than thirty years that they had known each other and worked together the world had certainly changed, but their eating routines had not.

"Sam's waffles for breakfast every Monday. You're easy to find," Saul greeted him taking off his winter cap and placing it on the counter.

"Some habits die hard, I guess," Dar Adal said. "But as much pleased as I am to see you I guess you're not here just for the waffles…"

Saul shook his head while he raised his hand to the waitress, pointing to Dar's cup of coffee. "No. I called Carrie, left her a message and hasn't called back so far. And I'm afraid she won't," Saul cut straight to the point.

"That was predictable, Saul. I can't understand the pull that woman has over you, and Quinn. Whenever I think of the best soldier I've ever had under my command playing house with her…" Dar complained.

"My point exactly. Your turn. Call Quinn, Dar. I'm sure he'll take your call and listen to you. Tell him we've tracked down Haqqani and Carrie's the only one can help us get the son of a bitch."


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own Homeland, or any of its characters or plots. All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners.

Carrie managed to navigate through her dull working day thinking mostly about the odds of being pregnant after the previous night. "_Hopefully_," she kept thinking. Not for the first time, she thought how ironic it was that she got pregnant with Franny totally unintentionally, when she was not even in a relationship and the idea of having children had never crossed her mind before, and now that her family had become her first priority and she longed for a child with her husband it seemed to be almost impossible.

One of the perks of her otherwise anodyne job was that she was usually home by two pm, which allowed her to have some time for herself before picking up Franny from school.

At first, when she had just gotten out of the Agency and was starting her family life with Franny and Quinn, she found it difficult to fill it as she was not used to have much spare time. In fact, during her years working for the CIA she had become a real workaholic, and any thought of free time would seem to her as a complete waste of time. But even more, having led a hectic life since right after college, the mere thought of the actual possibility of having nothing to do really scared her. Always aware of her condition and thus fearing that too much time to think could end up triggering a crisis, she started going to yoga classes just to kill time. But in the end not only did it help to complete her daily schedule, but it also proved to be very convenient given that she was currently adjusting to a brand new kind of life and it was certainly causing her some stress. And she found herself very much relieved to have some tools to fight back that stress.

Because during those first months her life was far from being a fairy tale. Everything was new and she found most of it quite disconcerting. The exiting process from the Agency had been painful, slow and highly frustrating, and when they finally got out reality had hit her. "_And now, what_?" She would have to learn to live this new existence.

So under those circumstances, it was only after Franny's bedtime, when she found herself in Quinn's arms every night, whether it was on the couch watching tv or in their bed before falling asleep, that she could remember why she had decided to turn her life around in the first place.

Because not only adjusting to her civilian job was hard on her back then. That was just a minimum part of it all. On another note, she was then also getting to know her own daughter Franny, as she had never lived with her for more than a fortnight, despite the girl being nearly two years old. Carrie had rely on her sister Maggie for everything related to her baby since the day Franny had been born, and she suddenly found herself taking care of her child and also getting to know her when she was already walking and talking. They had not had a chance to bond over the first two years of Franny's life, and as she slowly became close to her own child and her maternal instinct finally kicked in, Carrie felt overwhelmed with love, guilt and remorse. And also an immense sense of gratitude to Quinn, who had been the one to suggest that they could lead a happy normal life together when he had kissed her for the first time after her father's funeral.

In that challenging atmosphere, Quinn turned out to be a huge support system, the rock on which she would lean on every time she felt her world falling apart during that transitional period, all while she was getting to know him, too. Of course she had gotten to know him over the years they shared assignments and missions at work all over the world and became friends in the process, but she had never shared nothing like the lights and shadows of domestic life with him.

But it turned out that, as he had told her a few years back, right after they started working together in a surveillance team to observe Franny's biological father, he was extremely reliable. Carrie learnt very soon into their life together that she could count on him for anything, from calming a fussy Franny at four am in the morning while she tried to get some sleep just hours before having the last interview of her exiting process in Langley, to helping her keep track of her doctor appointments and follow ups. He was even always volunteering to share the house chores. "_Who would have thought that the tough CIA paramilitary officer, "guy who killed bad guys", as he liked to call himself, really enjoyed all aspects of home life?"_ she amusedly thought the first time he volunteered to vacuum and do the laundry.

And she had to admit that he was pretty likeable, too, which was another adjective he had cockily used to describe himself during that time they had first worked together. Against all odds, and much to her surprise, Carrie had fell in love with him just after a few weeks into their relationship, but of course Carrie being Carrie, she would not acknowledge it no matter what he did or what he said to show her that he actually loved her. Her prior experiences in the love department had ended badly so far, and it took her some time to face facts.

But then, within a few weeks everything had seemed to add up naturally, and Carrie had quit yoga classes as soon as she had begun to feel comfortable in her new domestic life. Once settled down, with their own house (they had rented an apartment at first), she became really fond of that time she had to herself after work before Franny's energy would monopolize her time until bedtime.

That's why she found it so weird to hear the front door closing while she was laying out the groceries she had just bought on her way home. That had been another big surprise, when they found out that they enjoyed cooking together, and for the first time in over fifteen years, Carrie found herself eating homemade meals every day, which was clearly reflected in her current sound state of mind.

"Hey, Carrie, I'm home," Quinn said as soon as he closed the door after him.

"Hey, in the kitchen," she replied, thinking how strange it was for him to be able to be home so early.

"Are you okay?" he asked locking eyes with her as he entered the kitchen in his shirtsleeves, looking for any sign of worry in her face.

"Well, good afternoon to you too, Quinn. Is there something wrong?" she asked back, as he approached her and started pulling up his blue shirt sleeves to help her with the groceries. As he did so, she could not stop herself from thinking that he really looked great in a suit, he had always had, even when he had discarded the blazer, as he had just done as soon as he had crossed their home threshold.

"Well, you tell me, Carrie," he said looking at her intently.

"Me? Everything's good. Why do you ask?" she retorted, turning around to open the fridge in an attempt to escape his inquiring gaze. She had never been good at hiding things from him, and she feared that if he insisted on looking at her like that he would no doubt suspect that she was worried. And, if that were the case, she would be telling him about Saul's call in no time, as that was the power he had over her. But she was not ready to tell him about Saul's message yet, as she had to come to terms with it first.

"Sure about that?" he whispered in a low, almost sexy voice, holding her by her waist to allow him place some of the fresh groceries in the refrigerator.

"What the fuck is going on, Quinn?" she asked back turning around and facing him.

He crossed his arms over his chest waiting for a few seconds, and started talking fixing his eyes on Carrie. "Dar Adal called."

"What did that son of a bitch want?" Dar Adal, the CIA Black Operations Director and an old friend of Saul Berenson's, was not among Carrie's favorite people, not at all, and she frowned when her husband mentioned him. _"Is this related to Saul's call?"_ she wondered.

"What do you think, Carrie? You really don't have a clue?" he asked raising his eyebrows.

Carrie shrugged and briefly diverted her eyes to the kitchen window, only to gaze back at him while she bit her lower lip. "Saul called me a few times today, but I didn't pick up. Can that be related?" she finally voiced out after a few seconds.

"Yeah, it might be, don't you think? Dar said Saul has been trying to reach you. He needs to talk to you asap and will probably show up here any minute if you don't call him back. And thanks for the heads up, by the way…" His heart had skipped a beat when he had noticed Dar's name on his cell screen. His first thought, even before picking up the call, was that something had happened to Carrie, or Franny, or even his son John Jr. He knew his former boss kept tabs on the boy, and he had been grateful to him for that as he himself had not been able to deal with the fact that he had a son that was growing up without knowing him. Carrie had tried a few times to get him to open up about that subject, and had even offered to build bridges between Quinn and John's mother in order to try and revisit the agreement that had reach right after the boy had been born. But Quinn had just clammed up every time she had mentioned the subject, and she had ended up giving up for the time being.

Totally oblivious to her husband's initial reaction when he had gotten the phone call from Adal, Carrie deliberately avoided his comment about not sharing Saul's call with him. "I don't want to call him back, Quinn. I don't want to see him or talk to him for that matter," she firmly stated trying to get her lips to stop quivering. Saul wanting to speak to her and his subsequent message had brought back too many memories about her time in the CIA, and most of them were not happy.

"Hey, I know, I know..." Quinn tried to comfort her, stepping closer to her and extending his right arm to cup her face and caress her cheek. She immediately responded and placed her left hand on his and slightly tilted her head to feel his palm on the side of her neck while she closed her eyes. Once she was calm, he carried on talking. "But if you don't reach out I'm positive a black SUV will turn up in our driveway sooner or later. There's one parked two blocks from here, I bet Saul is in it… Dar said it's important, Carrie. You know the drill, they're not gonna fucking stop..." he trailed off.

She opened her eyes and he withdrew his hand. "All habits die hard, uh?" she chuckled at his regular use of protective and identification tactics in civilian life. "Okay, I don't want them showing here, Quinn. We're out, what is the fucking part about that they don't understand?" she asked going back to the groceries displayed on the kitchen counter.

"Hey, I know..." he quietly mumbled from behind her.

"So what do I do?" she inquired turning back to face him again, nervously moving her hands.

"Just call Saul, Carrie. Don't worry about Franny, I'll go pick her up," he slowly answered.

She nervously nodded, looking around for her phone. "Okay… But what the fuck you think it is, Quinn?"

"Dar wouldn't say, probably some crap about an old file... You know these bastards are unpredictable..." he speculated, in an effort to keep her calm while he searched her face and body for any sign of distress. She had been mentally stable for a long time now and he would hate to see that go down the drain just for a blast from the past.

"Yeah, you're damn right they are..." she muttered as she took a hold on her cell.

Carrie's hands were shaking when she called Saul. Noticing it, Quinn stood by her side and held her left hand while she hit "call" on his missed call and cleared her throat in preparation. Saul must have been waiting by his cell because he answered on the first tone.

"Carrie..." he quickly said.

"What the fuck is going on, Saul? I'm out, remember? And not thanks to your help..." she blurted out as soon as she heard his voice.

Saul's sigh could be clearly noticed over the line. "I know you're angry, Carrie. But this is beyond that. I need to talk to you, and time is of the essence…" he explained.

"Is that why you've parked your SUV just two blocks away from our house?" she could not help asking.

"Carrie, how do you…?"

"If you recall, I'm married to the best former CIA paramilitary officer…" she proudly stated.

"You're damn right about Quinn, but as much as I'd like to discuss our former operatives with you, I'm afraid we don't have time for that… You already know where I am. Please come meet me. It'll be quick, I promise?" Saul nearly begged. He would actually beg if it came to that, there was too much at stake to let his pride get in the way.

"You promise? Like when you took your fucking oath to serve and protect your country and ended up betraying it along with your friend Dar Adal?" Carrie angrily retorted.

Saul sighed again. "Carrie, I don't really have time for that now. Do us all a favor and rag your sorry ass over here, your country needs you!" And with that he hung up.

Carrie raised her graze and met Quinn's eyes. He was still holding her hand and squeezed it. "Go, it's all right. I'll pick Franny up from school and we'll go to the park for a while."

Little did Carrie know when she put on her coat, took her purse, her phone and her keys, kissed Quinn goodbye on his cheek and rushed out the front door of her house that after her major efforts to built a normal family life for herself after leaving the CIA it was all bound to change again, whether she liked it or not.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I do not own Homeland, or any of its characters or plots. All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners.

"Carrie, how are you?" Saul greeted her as soon as she hopped in the back of the big black SUV that was parked just two blocks from their house. Yes, once more Quinn had been right. No doubt he still kept his survaillance skills intact despite of being on a civilian job for over two years now. Not for the first time, Carrie quickly wondered if there was a chance that in his current job he somehow kept training them. He had never mentioned any dark part in it, and Carrie pushed the thought away. "_He would've told me if that were the case."_

"What the fuck, Saul? I'm out, remember?" she replied sitting on the further end of the back seat, trying deliberately to put an actual distance between them, all thoughts about Quinn and his job suddenly gone.

"I'm well aware, Carrie. I helped you throughout the exit process, remember?" Saul sighed. She had been too hurt back then, and too eager to leave her last experience in Islamabad behind her, to notice his assistance, and therefore appreciate it. Instead of that, she truly thought that all he was doing was hindering it.

"Helped?" Carrie's eyes were open wide. "Fuck you Saul!"

"Believe it or not, I did. And I'm glad you have a happy life now..." he trailed off, trying to hide a smile. Her last line proved that she was still 'his' Carrie, no matter how domestic her life was now.

"Cut the shit. What do you want?" she bluntly asked. The sooner she knew what he wanted, the sooner she could be home with Franny and Quinn. There, sitting on the back seat of a CIA vehicle with her former mentor and boss, she wondered how she had been able to lead a life without them in the past.

Saul took a deep breath. This was not going to be easy, and he feared her reaction. He had to do his best to stress how much they needed her without pushing her away. "Carrie, this is important. We do need you, and I was hoping you could help us..."

Carrie snorted. "Help you? That's funny Saul, so fucking funny, I'd never thought I'd hear you asking for help from me again..." 

Trying not to lose his patience, Saul sighed again, looking for a more practical approach. "Say whatever you want, Carrie, I don't care as long as you help us..."

"If you think that I'm gonna help you in any way you're definitely out of your mind. You and Dar Adal betrayed all of us. Please don't call me again, and leave Quinn alone..." she said scooting over the seat and heading for the door of the SUV.

"Carrie, Haqqani is back and planning an attack on American soil. Only you can help us get that son of a bitch and stop it..." he blurted out before she was able to reach the door handle.

Much to her dismay, his sudden revelation hit her. "What?" she managed to ask, shaking her head. She had thought all this time that they had Haqqani under control. In fact, that had been the only thought that had given her some solace after Pakistan. "I thought you'd made a deal with him. Isn't that what Adal was doing when he was with him in that damn car in Islamabad?"

"Let's just say that it didn't work out the way we thought it would..." Saul slowly said in a low voice. Ha had the impression he had hit a nerve, and he wanted to give her time to process the enormity of the task at hand. "And now there are lives at stake, Carrie…" he went on, in an effort to trigger a positive reaction from her.

"Did the Talibans fool you, Saul? I'd laugh if it wasn't for the horrible consequences..." Carrie scoffed. So many lives taken only to jeopardize many more.

"Carrie, please, this is important. You can laugh as much as you want but please help us. It'll just be a job in a desk at Langley, as an analyst. We've got people in the field..." Saul knew he sounded desperate, but he was desperate indeed. If he had to show it to bring Carrie on board, well, so be it.

His words and his tone truly surprised her. He had never said anything of the sort before. "Is this for real? Are you begging?" she inquired.

Saul sighed again. "I am, and I will until you come to your senses and help us..."

Carrie shook her head. She had not struggled so hard to build a new life for her and Franny to throw it overboard the minute her former mentor and boss showed up begging on her door. "That life is over for me, Saul. I have a family now, and I am happy for the first time in my life. I'm sure you have very capable agents and officers who can track Haqqani down..." she stated, doing her best not to run out of the SUV.

"Come on, none is as good as you Carrie, or Quinn, and you know it..." Saul was not lying. Never during his long career had he seen a more capable agent than Carrie or Quinn, and the mix of the two of them together was the dream of every CIA director. Even Dar Adal, who was not exactly fond of Carrie, agreed with Saul on this.

"Please keep Quinn out of this. He's out too..." she quickly said.

"Please think about it, Carrie. Despite just being a desk job, I know you'll need time to make arrangements at home. Take as much as you need..." he reiterated his plea.

"Saul, this is final. I'm not going back," she said stressing the word 'not'. "Good luck with Haqqani," she added exiting the SUV.

It was cold as she hurried back home, and she bundled up in her thick winter coat. Her encounter with Saul had brought back too many memories and feelings she had buried for goods years ago, and she felt the urge to get home with Quinn and Franny as soon as possible to remind herself of the life they had been able to build together leaving the Agency and all its shit behind.

As she busied herself in walking as quickly as she could, her cell chimed with an incoming text. It was Saul. The message was brief and yet devastating. "Have you already forgotten Fara and everything that happened back there? There're innocent lives at stake, Carrie, and you know it."

Carrie froze as she read it. Saul knew her well, too well for her taste, and he was using his last card here. It was exactly those memories the ones that she had been trying to live with for the last three years. Of course she had not forgotten about Farah, not a single day had passed by that she did not remember her. Every time she saw Max she could swear she saw Farah around him. Sometimes when she was tucking Franny in bed, or taking her to school in the mornings, she thought how unfair it was that Farah had not had the chance to have kids and enjoy those moments with them. She was sure she would have made a great mother, but Haqqani had taken that from her along with her life.

When she arrived home, she found Franny watching cartoons on television. She was seating on the couch with her favorite doll, and Carrie had to restrain herself from running from the front door to hug her. She was a very smart little girl and she would immediately sense that something was wrong if her mom behaved like that. Luckily for her, she did not remember the times when her mother's erratic behavior was a concern for all the family, She had been a baby back then, and her grandfather and aunt had taken great care of her, not letting her notice the absence and odd conduct of her mother, and the last thing Carrie wanted now was to scare her.

So, instead of that, she slowly left her keys and cell phone in the hall and approached her. "Hi, sweetie, how was school today?"

"Good," was her child's short answer. She was too adsorbed by the cartoons playing on the screen and too tired after a while playing in the park to have a conversation with her mom right then.

"That's great," Carrie said quickly kissing her cheek and heading for the kitchen. There she found Quinn clad in a whitet- shirt and jeans, busy gathering food on the counter to start making dinner. Although all she could see was his back, she quietly leant on the door frame enjoying the view. He had started cutting vegetables and Carrie found herself staring at the way the muscles in his arms shifted and the short sleeve of his t-shirt tightened with every cut. Not long after that her gaze ended up admiring his jeans and what was underneath them. Definitely, his civilian job had not taken a toll on his good shape. He had always had a great body, and it was only getting better as years went by.

"You like what you see?" he startled her. She should have known better, the best agent in CIA Black Ops unit for over a decade would notice her by the door no matter how quiet she was.

She smiled. "No, should I? Too domestic for my taste," she retorted.

"I can be wild too, you know?" he replied, earning a laugh from her as she began to walk towards him.

"Yeah, I know," she said hugging him from behind, her arms wrapped around his waist. She rested her head between his shoulder blades. "Wanna show me when Franny is in bed?" she whispered against the soft fabric of his t-shirt.

Surprised by her reaction to his banter, his hand let the knife slip from it and turned around to face her. He softly lifted her chin and tilted his head to make eye contact with her.

"That bad, uh?" he simply stated looking at her and placing his hands on her waist.

"Yeah. Apparently Haqqani is back and they need me to track him down, just a desk job in Langley as an analyst…" Her lower lip quivering told him that that meeting with Saul had stirred up many memories in her mind. No doubt Islamabad had been the worst assignment in both their careers, and that was a lot to say.

"What did you tell him?" he cautiously asked her. Deep inside, he was afraid of her answer. He was well aware that over the years, when she had been working for the Agency and duty had called again, Carrie had never been strong enough to resist that call, and, to be honest, neither had he been. They had been very much alike regarding that, But he had changed, he was convinced that he was over that now, cherishing the life they had built together, but he wondered what Carrie would think in this scenario. He was about to find out, and he held his breath.

"To go to hell," she simply shrugged, and he felt a huge relief. Little did he know that she had been struggling with herself since the moment she had gotten the text from Saul right after she had exited the SUV. But she was still too shocked to notice it, so there was no way she could share it with Quinn until she did so.

"Atta girl," he mumbled hugging her, wishing that her encounter with Saul would not have any further consequences.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I do not own Homeland, or any of its characters or plots. All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners.

It was dark and she could not see clearly in the dim lights. Carrie was wandering through narrow streets and people kept staring at her. She could barely make out the features of the bystanders but she was certain she was gathering all the attention in those narrow and incredibly busy alleys. "_Wait a minute, wait a fucking minute_," she thought, "_I know this, it's Islamabad. What the fuck am I doing here again?_" she asked herself while she rushed her pace trying to avoid bumping into the people that were now crowding the city she knew so well, where she had promised to never come back.

To her relief as the streets got wider she could spot the American Embassy behind a thick security wall. "_Well, maybe I'm still in time to stop this_," she reassured herself when she noticed that the Embassy looked untouched. She was relieved to see that there was no Taliban flag hanging over the facade. She was certain that if it was being attacked, the soldiers and guards in the perimeter had no knowledge of what was going on inside. She had to hurry up, time was of the essence to abort the attack.

"_Maybe I'll still be able to save Farah and the others, I only have to warn the American soldiers and, of course, Quinn._" That is if she was able to find him. She remembered then that he had been more mysterious than ever lately. Her gut was telling her that he might be spending time with Astrid, the BND agent assigned to the German Embassy, especifically sleeping with her, and Carrie felt a wave of jealousy wash over her. "_Well, I can't blame him, I haven't been specially receptive to his obvious affection for me. And I can't blame her either, she's clearly in love with him. Wait a minute! Since when do I know he likes me in that way and why haven't done anything about it?_" The sudden realization of her own feelings for him hit her and she stopped on her tracks, taking a few seconds to let it sink. But her practical side soon took over and, knowing what was about to happen, she wished he actually was at Astrid's place instead of inside the compound that was now right in front of her.

"Madam, you have to get back," a young American soldier, a Marine, approached her raising his gunned right hand when she resumed pacing towards the main gate.

"It's okay, I'm Carrie Mathison, CIA Station Chief. You must be new...' she quickly explained while she tried to show him the identification card that was hanging from her neck. Or, al least, it should be there.

"I repeat, Madam, step back. Put your hands on the air," the young Marine insisted, trying to keep a safe distance from her. She was obviously American but after a ten month tour spent entirely at the Embassy he had never seen her before, and everyone approaching the Embassy without CIA clearance was a suspect until proven otherwise. Even more if she was claiming to be station chief when she was not.

Carrie was now nervously tagging her shirt with her right hand looking for her identification, while she raised her left hand. Apparently this new guard did not know who she was. She made a quick mental note to review the security schedule for the Embassy with Quinn once this would be over.

"I'm Station Chief, you have to let me in..." she stated, wondering where she could have misplaced her ID. That card and its cord had become part of her anatomy and even her identity during since she had been recruited for the Agency, working stateside and overseas, and of course lately in both Kabul and Islamabad, and it was really strange not to have it now.

"Madam, not gonna say it again, get back. We can"t let anyone in without the express authorization of Station Chief Adal," he said stressing the words Station Chief. If this lady thought she could fool him pretending to be S.C., she was totally wrong. He might be young, but he was damned good at following orders.

Carrie vigorously shook her head. "No, he's fucking special Ops, no Station Chief." She had worked her ass off to earn that position after many years in the CIA and now Dar Adal was coming to take it from her? "_Typical Dar, always manipulating when lives were at stake, some things don't change..."_

"Madam, I know you're American and all, but I"m gonna shoot you if you get any closer," the now visibly stressed soldier repeated, wondering why it had to be precisely an American citizen the one to be giving him hell when his so far quiet eight hour shift was about to end.

"No, you don't fucking understand. The Embassy's being attacked by the Talibans, and a lot of people are gonna die if you don't follow my fucking orders and step aside..."

By then five other soldiers were blocking her way to the main gate, also pointing guns at her.

Trying to quickly assess the situation, Carrie raised her gaze and what she saw made her freeze on spot. By a wide window on the second floor of the building, she could see Farah and Max with their hands tied to their backs, along with other staff members of the Embassy and CIA agents.

"Look up there," she shouted pointing at the window, causing all the guards to move towards her. Much to her dismay, none of them looked up. Instead, one of them, who seemed to be the one in charge and whose face and body built was curiously very similar to Saul's, approached her.

"Madam, you all right? You took your pills today?" he kindly asked, smiling, as if he were talking to a child.

"They're gonna kill them, don't you fucking see that? " Carrie yelled again, and when she fixed her eyes on the window once more she clearly witnessed how Haqqani himself cruelly stabbed Farah. No matter how far Carrie was from the building, she could see Farah's face wince and contort in pain and horror as her body felt on the ground by the window. Once again, Carrie had not been able to save Farah and all the other fellow Americans, and she screamed in hurt and frustration.

The scream somehow transported her to a totally different reality. It seemed she had traveled in time and space, as Carrie found herself to be in bed, wearing an old college t-shirt, all her body covered in thick sweat. During some seconds while her head was still reeling and her heart was strongly pounding, she could not figure out where she was. The dream had been so real that she was astonished to find her in bed and a man beside her.

Carrie carefully shifted and had never been so relieved in her life when she saw Quinn's placid expression while he slept. She then remembered that having quit the Agency over two years back she was now married to Quinn and they lived with Franny in a house they had both bought in DC. Not only that, she also remembered that they had succeeded at having a happy civilian life together. In fact, they were in love and trying to give Franny a sibling.

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath to try and erase the vivid images from her nightmare. When she was just back from her assignment in Islamabad she would have this kind of bad dream at least once every two or three nights, but fortunately they started spacing out as she was able to exit the Agency and built a normal life with Franny and Quinn, until they finally completely stopped.

She had not had a nightmare like that for over a year now, and she was sure she had to thank Saul for this new one. His call, visit and messages had stirred up her memories and brought up the worst experience in Carrie's life. She had worked hard to bury it under thick layers of guilt and remorse, and she had painfully learnt to live with it. But all his talking about Haqqani and a new attack, on American soil no less, had undoubtedly triggered old memories and thus the nightmares seemed to be back.

"_Great,_" she sighed. Too excited to try and get back to sleep, and too worried that all those dark images could come back the second she fell back into slumber, she quietly got up from the bed, grabbed her cell from the night table and sat on the recliner by the window. Since they had bought the house that spot had become one of her favorites, as she usually sat there to read in the sunlight before picking up Franny from school. Now it was all dark but for the light displaying in the screen of her phone, and she started looking for information about Haqqani. She knew most of it would be classified, and for the first time in over two years she wished she still had access to the CIA data bases. With no security clearance anymore, she had not gotten very far when a low voice came from the bed.

"You okay?" Quinn asked her, trying to keep a low tone in order not to wake Franny.

"Yeah, sorry I woke you up..." Carrie whispered back. She had been a fool to think Quinn would not notice her leaving the bed. "Maybe he heard me scream as well..." she suddenly realised. As much as she was used to share everything with him now, she was not sure to be willing to tell him about her bad dream, because that would mean reliving it again and that was the last thing she needed.

"Nah, it's okay. Whatcha doing?" he inquired. He had heard her suddenly wake up and leave the bed, and he had feared the nightmares could be back after the events of the day.

"Nothing," she shrugged in the dark. "Couldn't sleep and thought I'd read for a while..."

"In the dark?" he muttered.

"Sorry to be the one breaking the news to you, but cell phones do light up when you use them..." Carrie joked.

"Thanks for the input, I would've never guessed..." he retorted, happy to see that at least she was in a banter mood. Maybe the dream had not been too bad.

"Anytime..." she replied.

"I was supposed to show you how wild I can be, but I must've fallen asleep before you came to bed. Wanna come over now and I'll show you?" he cockily asked, in an effort to divert her attention from her phone. If he knew her well, and he was certain he did know her well, he would dare say better that anyone, she would be reading about Haqqani right now. There was not a chance she would be immune to what she had learnt during the day.

"You're so full of yourself..." she snorted, silently thank him for momentaneously taking Islamabad and Haqqani out of her system.

"Don't try and deny that's one of the things you like most about me..." he carried on, feeling that if the nightmares were back she could use a break right now.

"Which one? You being wild or you being so full of yourself, because I don"t see much of the former..." she joked again, now fully enjoying their banter.

"Come over here and I'll show you..." he insisted.

"Okay". Sensing that nothing good could come out from looking for information about the Talibans with no security clearance at 2 a.m., she got up from the recliner and lay on the bed.

Quinn turned and protectively placed his left arm over her waist, spooning with her.

"Was it bad?" he whispered in her ear.

"Uh?" Carrie was certainly not expecting that question.

"Nightmare, how bad was it?" he elaborated.

Carrie sighed. He had noticed indeed. "Very..."

"The usual?" he muttered.

"Yeah, wasn't able to stop the attack and saw Farah die..." she explained, her bottom lip quivering in the dark.

"I'm so sorry," he mumbled in an attempt to comfort her. "I guess Saul brought back all that shit..."

"Yeah, nothing new there," she agreed. She had not been fond of her former mentor and boss since she had discovered he had been closely working with Dar Adal on a deal with the Talibans and he had kept it from everybody at the CIA, including her.

She then remembered a detail that had never been in her prior nightmares. "But there was something new this time, thought..." She turned on her side and faced him in the dark of the bedroom. "You were nowhere to be found as I tried to stop the attack, and then I realised you'd be in Astrid's place, and..." she trailed off, her bottom lip quivering again as she mentioned her husband's former lover's name.

As he heard her words, he raised his arm and caressed her cheek. "Hey, Carrie, that"s all in the past, I'm here now..."

She rested her hand on his. "I know," she said leaning in for a soft kiss, that soon turned into a deep and hungry one.

When Carrie reached under the hem of his t-shirt, he grabbed her wrist and stopped her. "You sure? If you're tired we don't have to..." he offered.

"I thought you wanted to show me how wild you are. Maybe it's all talking..." she playfully whispered in his ear.

"Really? Let me show you..." he mumbled back, wishing he and his actions could wash away the memories they both had regarding their time in the Agency. Especially their time in Islamabad. Little did he know by then that no matter how hard he tried to protect Carrie and keep both of them out of CIA reach they would be reliving all that soon enough.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I do not own Homeland, or any of its characters or plots. All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners.

Carrie groaned when her cell phone alarm went off the following morning. She had the feeling she had just fallen asleep a few minutes ago and her head was pounding from the last of sleep. And she could also feel her body stiff. She then remembered that she had not been sleeping for most of the night and that during all that time she had tried to be as still as possible in order not to wake Quinn.

"You okay?" Quinn's hoarse voice came from the other side of the bed. She usually jumped off the bed and hopped in the shower as soon as she heard the alarm, but today she had not made any attempt to leave the bed, stretching and quietly yawning instead, and he had noticed the change in her behavior.

Carrie groaned again. "Tired," she mumbled under her breath.

Thinking this was not like her at all, Quinn rolled on his side and looked at her, leaning on his elbow. In the dim light of their bedroom he was able to notice dark spots under her closed eyes and his heart sunk. He had been afraid that Saul's call and visit could take a toll on her, and there it was. Apparently she had barely slept and was too tired to start their morning routine for the first time in over two years.

"Hey, I told you I could be wild…" he joked, trying to get her talking.

Carrie snorted, her eyes still closed but a smile forming on her lips. "You're so full of yourself…"

"You didn't think that a few hours ago…" he retorted, relieved to see that, at least, she was in a banter mood.

Carrie finally opened her eyes and tilted her head to rest her gaze on his. His warm blue eyes spoke volumes and her right hand reached for his, squeezing it. "That was great, I've got no complains…" she whispered, letting his hand go and rubbing her eyes.

"What's wrong, then, Carrie?" he softly asked placing his right hand on the side of her neck and gently caressing her cheek with his thumb.

When Quinn had fallen asleep after their romantic interlude in the middle of the night, Carrie had thought that she would follow him in no time, relaxed as she was. But as minutes went by Saul's words and texts came back full force, and memories from Islamabad, the Embassy and Farah started to flood her mind. Guilt and remorse washed over her while she desperately did her best to think about something else. Sensing that she was definitely not going to sleep any time soon, she focused on being still and keeping her breath at a normal pace so Quinn would not notice something was off. She really loved her husband, but in that very moment she found it really annoying that he was the person that knew her best. The thought made her freeze. She had always liked that since they had decided to become a family, and she hated that Saul and the CIA had turned her world upside down with only two texts and an short meeting. Carrie was certain that there was no way she would be able to hide it from Quinn that Saul's irruption in her new life was making her relive some situations and memories she had worked very hard to bury for the last three years. In fact, she had been struggling with herself since the moment she had gotten that last text from her former mentor and boss right after she had exited the SUV.

Remembering the dark thoughts and memories that had filled her night, Carrie gulped and rested her hand on his. She had no doubt her husband was not going to like was she was about to say next, but deep down there was no way she could overlook the call for help he had gotten the day before. The least she could do was sharing her thoughts with Quinn. He deserved that much. "Maybe… maybe I could help, you know…" she softly trailed off, watching closely for his reaction.

Quinn stayed still for a moment. Finally there it was, she was really considering it, his worst fears since Saul had called the day before were coming true at last. He resumed caressing her cheek and sighed. "Carrie…"

"Saul said it'd be just a job behind a desk, Quinn, he said I'm the only one who can track down that son of a bitch…" she muttered, her lower lip quivering as she pronounced the last words.

"You really believe that shit, just behind a desk? Come on Carrie, you know better than that. You're out, remember? You wanted out…" Quinn softly said, trying not to push too hard. He had been worried for the last weeks that her discontent about her civilian job could end up triggering a depressive episode, as her health wellness was the most important thing to him, along with Franny's wellbeing, so the mere thought that an eventual job for the Company could jeopardize all that made him sick.

"I know, but.. apparently he's planning an attack on American soil, Quinn. Lives are at stake. Maybe I can help…" she insisted.

Peter withdrew his hand from her neck and sat down on the bed. He was well aware that when she had been working for the CIA and duty had called again over the years, she had never been strong enough to resist that call. He understood her back then because, to be honest, neither had he been. But he had changed since then, as now he cherished the life they had been able to built together, and he was worried and disappointed to find out about her reaction.

"I can't believe you wouldn't wanna help if that were the case, Quinn. You were in Islamabad too and…" Carrie explained as she lifted herself from the bed and sat against the bed headboard.

He sighed again turning to look at her. "Carrie, yesterday we were thinking about having a baby and now you're considering going back to work to the fucking CIA..." he said, trying to convey the consequences of her decision, if she finally decided to re enroll.

"That hasn't changed, Quinn. Of course I want a baby with you. It's just a fucking desk job…" she echoed again, tiredness evident on her face as she spoke.

For the first time since there were living together, Quinn did not know how to proceed. His feelings for her had only grown since they had become a family with Franny, if that was even possible, and the prospect of losing her and their life or, worse, the possibility of her mental health deteriorating were preventing him from thinking clearly. "Can we discuss this later? Franny's gonna be late for school…" were his only words as he got up from the bed and padded to the bathroom. "_Maybe a flash of real life is what she needs right now_," he thought as he hopped in the shower, leaving a confused Carrie still sat on their bed.

Meanwhile Saul Berenson drove to a small town in Virginia, made his way into a cozy diner and sat down on a table beside Dar Adal. In a work like theirs the fact that his old colleague strictly followed the same eating routines made things much easier. No need to schedule their meetings nor use their cell phones. Saul often wondered how that pattern had never been noticed by Dar's enemies and therefore taken advantage of it, as he had managed to earn quite a few during the more than thirty years that he had been in the business. That was just another mystery of the many that surrounded Adal. He and Saul served for a period at the CIA station in Nairobi, Kenya, mainly on covert operations in neighboring Somalia, and since then Berenson had known that Adal was an outstanding CIA Black Operations Director but also had a deep dark side.

"Lucy's pancakes for breakfast every Tuesday. I tell you Dar, you're too easy to find. Ever thought this could be dangerous?" Saul greeted Dar quickly taking off his winter cap and gloves and placing them on the table.

Adal just shrugged and chuckled. "You know, some habits die hard, I guess."

Saul shook his head and cut straight to the point as he raised his hand to the waitress. "Any news from Quinn?"

Dar locked eyes with him. "Quinn? Why? I thought you talked to your golden girl. Any luck by the way?"

"I'm sorry to be the one breaking the news to you, my friend, but they're married. And I'm inclined to think that they're happy, so…" Saul trailed off.

Dar held his hands up. "Please, don't remind me… Quinn should be on the field and not playing house with her…" he complained once more. Suddenly he was not hungry and Lucy's pancakes were not appealing anymore.

"I know her, Dar, and she's never looked so happy before…" Saul added.

"Well, forgive me if I'm not ecstatic about it…" To say that Dar Adal had never liked Carrie Mathison was an understatement. He had always seen her as an obstacle for all his goals during the multiple operations they had both been involved in, and ultimately had blamed her for Quinn's change of life. Too selfish to consider anyone's point of view but his, he had never cared to know how Peter felt about the life he had been leading since he was sixteen. Dar just considered him his star assassin, a key asset in his chessboard, and that is why he had been so shocked to learn that Quinn wished to leave all that behind.

"You should be… Here's the good news for you: I'm afraid Carrie won't help us unless Quinn's on board too..." Saul quickly explained. "And that's where you come in again… Push him…" he added.

To his surprise, as he was hearing Saul's words, Dar discovered that he was comfortable pushing Quinn to convince Carrie to come back to the Agency. But not for Mathison herself, as he wished they did not have to resort to her. What Dar really longed for was to have Peter working under him again, and he had lost hope about that more than two years before, when he had finally faced facts and helped his star operative get a good civilian job as a security consultant in a multinational company based in Virginia. Maybe Saul was serving him a golden opportunity on a silver platter.

As he drove back to Langley, Dar Adal had time to assess the situation. He knew Peter had been willing to leave the Agency for years and now that he had not only made it but also built a new life in which he was happy (just as Saul had noticed Carrie was happy, Dar had known over the last two years that Quinn was happy too), he really doubted he would be able to press Quinn to convince Carrie to step up, unless… unless he threatened him in some way.

Dar sighed. that was a dead end, as he had already used that card when Quinn had shown his wish and determination to leave the CIA three years ago, and, much to his dismay, Peter had not be worried at all about his threats, insisting that he would be willing to take responsibility for his past actions it that could lead to a new life. In the end, and hoping to gain some points for an eventual comeback, Dar had made sure to provide him with a good job as a security consultant in a multinational company, hoping that soon enough his best soldier would be tired of playing house. But he had been wrong, and now the opportunity to have him back had suddenly presented in the form of Carrie. Maybe it would be better for him to let Quinn know, as a personal favor, that the Director of the Agency and the NSA top rank would not hesitate to reveal some information about Carrie's dark past in order to get her on board, assuring him that he would do everything he can to stop it as long as she starts collaborating part-time behind a desk. That way he could kill two birds with one stone: Carrie would be working with the CIA, possibly dragging Quinn with her as soon as she would need him, and Dar would still be in Peter's good graces somehow.

As always, Dar Adal was taking the long view and playing both sides of the fence. If Quinn was so in love with Carrie as he thought he was, he would not like certain information involving his wife to become public knowledge. "_And if it ends up going sideways, we can always turn to Carrie and play the same game regarding information about Quinn_," he coldly thought as he made a sudden turn on the deserted road and headed for D.C.


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I do not own Homeland, or any of its characters or plots. All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners.

Quinn really wished that Dar Adal had not shown up at his job that morning. He had learned many years ago that his former boss was never the bearer of good news when he turned up out of the blue, like if he were just in the neighborhood and playing a casual visit. His visits and calls were never casual, and he had just contacted him two days ago already. So when his assistant told him that he had a visitor named Dar Adal in the conference room his heart sunk. “ _ This can’t be good _ ,” he thought to himself as he closed the file in front of him and headed to meet Dar, wondering if Carrie and he would ever be free from their CIA former job. Regretfully, he knew the answer for that question too well: not really while Saul Berenson and Dar Adal were still in active service. Thank God most of their actions were classified. To be honest, he had suspected deep down since they had gotten out that the strings that linked them to their ex-bosses had not been severed by their exit. Now it was not a suspicion; it was a reality that could seriously endanger Carrie’s health and the life they had built together.

Quinn was still worried about the conversation they had had early that morning. Carrie was clearly willing to help the CIA with Haqqani. She had been careful to express her opinion because she knew what his position on it was, but he knew her well. She was stubborn and her country had always come first. It was no news to him that when duty had called again over the years, she had never been strong enough to resist that call. To be honest, neither had he been. But he had changed since then, as now he cherished the life they had been able to build together, and he was both concerned and disappointed to find out about her quick reaction to her former boss and mentor’s proposal. It had only taken her a shot interview with Saul and a day to shift from being totally focused on conceiving a baby to being eager to fight terrorism working for the CIA again, and he was finding it hard to come to terms with it. 

He did not want her to go back to that world, because not only their life with Franny was at stake here, her mental health was, too. Quinn had seen her at her worst when they had been working on different missions together, and he had no doubt the stress and heartaches a collaboration with the Agency would certainly cause could very easily destabilize her. So as he walked down the corridor on his way to the conference room he promised himself that he would do whatever it took to stop that from happening.

Yet Quinn should have known better. The man that was waiting for him clad in a dark grey suit and a white shirt standing by the window was Adal at his best (maybe the expression ‘Adal at his worst’ would be more accurate for those who had crossed paths with him at some point of their lives). And it should have come as no surprise to him, given that he had witnessed many of his actions over the years, both on and off the battlefield. He had even been on the receiving end more times than he would like to remember, and he should have guessed that now Carrie would be on that very same receiving end. 

This time Dar did not beat around the bush. Leaving small talk for another day, he cut to the chase as soon as Quinn entered the room. He was brief yet disturbing. According to his words, time was of the essence in this matter regarding Haqqani and the CIA Director and the NSA top rank would not hesitate to reveal some information about Carrie’s dark past in order to get her on board. 

At first, Quinn was surprised to feel a rush of pride wash over him.  _ “Carrie must’ve been amazingly clear if they have to resort to all this. Atta girl!” _ . “ _ At least he’s had the decency not to elaborate on Carrie’s past…” _ he then thought as his words sunk in and he tiredly leant on the large conference table. Honestly, there was no need to. Both of them were familiar with what he was referring to. “What the fuck do you want, Dar?” he asked locking eyes with him. His former boss had that predatory look in his eyes Peter knew too well. He had hoped to never see it again when he had left the Agency for good, much less in relation to his wife.

Adal smiled. “I knew you’d be reasonable, Peter. Carrie working part-time behind a desk at Langley. That’s all. If she agrees, nothing would come to light, we’ll respect our exit agreement…” he slowly explained. 

“Respect our exit agreement? She’s out! Has been for years! Fuck you Dar, that’s exactly what you aren’t doing now…” Quinn retorted, placing his hands on the edge of the table and tightening his grip on it until his knuckles turned white. 

Dar slightly raised his right eyebrow. “Leave it or take it. Peter. In a matter regarding Homeland Security we have to resort to all possibilities to …”

Quinn snorted, his fingers still gripping the table to prevent him from doing something he might regret later . “Homeland Security…. How can you be so fucking cinic, Dar?”

“Excuse me?” Dar frowned and feigned to be offended.

Quinn sighed. “You were in Haqqani's car that day in Islamabad…” It was not the first time that that particular incident was brought up in the presence of Dar. Amongst the countless offenses and betrayals committed by Adal that Quinn had regretfully witnessed or heard of over the years, this was the most outrageous by far. 

Dar sighed. He was starting to get tired of explaining the same episode to Mr and Mrs Quinn over and and over again. “I already told your wife, and you Peter, several times if memory serves… We came to an agreement to take his name off a ‘kill list’ for a promise not to harbor agents in Afghanistan…”

“Come on, Dar… You make a deal with that SOB you dishonor every officer, every soldier at the embassy who died at his hands… You weren’t there...” Quinn angrily muttered, finally pushing himself off the conference table. 

“That was always your problem, Peter. You’re a great soldier, but you always failed to see the big picture… ”

Quinn laughed. “The big picture? If that means fucking betraying everything I believe in you’re damn right… Not even you believe all that shit about the big picture…” He hesitated for a moment, secretly laughing at the irony of Dar coming to him to threat Carrie when she was already willing to aid them. “ _ So much for the big picture, Dar _ ,” he thought to himself. Adal had a lot of ways to try and get to her without knowing that she was already thinking of being on board on her own volition. “ _ I’d better keep that piece of information to myself. _ ”

Completely oblivious to Quinn’s current thoughts, Dar smirked and took his coat from a nearby chair. “Peter, we expect Carrie to be tomorrow at Langley at 8 am. You know what’ll happen if she’s not there, I’ve warned you…”

“Tomorrow? She’s got a job, Dar, she can’t leave on such short notice…” Quinn complained, not realising that he had automatically assumed that she would be joining them. 

“A shitty job, from what I’ve heard… Tomorrow 8 am. Don’t you dare come looking for help if she doesn’t show up…” Dar Adal replied, waving his hand as he exited the conference room, leaving a desolated Peter behind him. 

Quinn leant on the table again, keeping his glare on the open door. “Bastard,” he murmured, wondering if there was any possible way to end all this and go to their lives the way they were only two days ago. 

As he walked back to his office, he decided to take the day off and meet Carrie at her school. If they wanted her to be in Langley the following day he had not much time to update her with the last developments, that had come in the form of threats by Dar. But when he started his car and drove out the parking lot of the company onto the main road, it hit him. She would be doing exactly what he did not want her to do. He had been so worried to try and protect Carrie from those threats that he had overlooked the fact that by doing so she would be working for the CIA again, and the life they had worked so hard to build together would be soon gone. Both Saul and Dar had insisted that it would only be a desk job, but all of them were well aware that was never true in the Agency. The ‘part-time’ tag was not, either. “ _ A part-time job behind a desk, my ass _ ,” Peter thought as he suddenly pulled over onto the curb, overwhelmed by the weight of the implications of what Dar had just conveyed. 

It was no news to him that Carrie’s past in the CIA held a few dark episodes. So did his. In his case it was more than a few, and quite ugly. He had been confident that once they were out of that life it would never hit back publicly. Luckily for them, most of their missions were classified and the exit agreement guaranteed their current status. The nightmares, guilt and remorse they regularly suffered from were still there, and they had somehow learnt to live with them knowing that they were in their lives to stay no matter what they did. But they had thought they were completely shielded from the public eye. 

Quinn loosened his tie and rolled down the window. He felt the urge for the fresh morning breeze as he thought how to approach Carrie on all this. Once she knew about Dar’s visit she had two options: give in to the CIA menace and work for them, as she had apparently been prone to do that morning, or turn a deaf ear to those threats and go on with her life. 

But Peter was not naive enough to think that once Carrie knew about the threats she would continue with her life as though nothing had happened. If Saul Berenson’s offer had already triggered her desire to help hunt down Haqqani and thus prevent a terrorist attack on American soil, he was positive that the mere possibility of reliving publicly some of her past assignments with the CIA would not leave her unscathed. So whatever path she chose, it could have consequences for her health. 

What Quinn thought to be a crazy idea at first rushed his mind as he nervously ran his hand through his hair. Maybe there was a way to minimize the impact of all this by hiding the threats from Carrie. He gulped and fixed his gaze on the windshield as he considered the idea. It might not be crazy after all. Carrie had already shown her willingness to collaborate with the Agency in order to track down Haqqani, and that morning he had told her that they would discuss it later in order to avoid a fight, because he did not want her to do it for a lot of reasons. He still did not, but the situation had only escalated from that morning. At this point should he have to choose, he would rather see her working in Langley than dealing with the aftermath of the declassification of secret documents regarding her past actions in the CIA. 

“ _ Yeah, yeah… She doesn’t have to know. I’ll just tell her that I support her decision, and then keep a close eye on her as soon as she starts working for them. I can do that… anything to protect her as much as I can _ …” he thought as he checked his rear-view mirror and drove onto the road again. Quinn spent most of the drive to Carrie’s school doing his best to silence the small voice in his mind that kept insisting on the fact that his wife would never forgive him if she came to know that he had lied to her, both by keeping her in the dark about the CIA manoeuvres to get her on board again and by pretending that he supported her on her life-altering decision. 


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I do not own Homeland, or any of its characters or plots. All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners.

Carrie was surprised to find Quinn in the parking lot of the high school she taught at when she exited the building on her way home. Once more it had been a dull working morning and the fact that Haissam Haqqani had taken up residence in her mind lately had not helped her at all to navigate through boring classes and apathetic students. Not that he had ever left her thoughts since the attack on the embassy in Islamabad and its subsequent events, but she had somehow learned to live with all that. Now, all of a sudden, it was back full force. Not only the nightmares, but also the constant unease and the renewed urge to do her best to avoid an attack on American soil.

She smiled when she spotted her husband casually leaning on her car waiting on her. Quinn was distractedly checking his cell phone and she took the chance to stare at him as she approached her car. Still clad in his suit, he had discarded his tie and unbuttoned the collar of his white shirt. Carrie loved these scarce chances she had to look at him when he did not know she was watching him. On those rare occasions she always wondered how on earth she had never felt attracted to him during the years they had been working together. She always reached the same conclusion: "_I was probably too focused on Brody first, and then on keeping my distance from Franny"._

As usual she quickly dismissed those thoughts and kept her gaze fixed on him. His civilian job had not taken a toll on his good shape. Peter had always had a great body, and it was only getting better as years went by. He was now looking at her and smiling, and Carrie's heart skipped a beat. The shadow of their almost argument early in the morning had been bugging her all day, but now, seeing that bright grin on his face, she felt guilty for wanting to take a decision that would surely change their lives. "_Had he not been in my life, I'd probably be working for the CIA again since the minute Saul called me, but now things are different, and I should have that into consideration,"_ she thought as she approached him.

"Hey, I didn't know you were coming…" she greeted him smiling, as she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

"Hey, I didn't either. But I'm really sorry about this morning, and I thought we could have lunch together and talk about it if you want to…" Quinn explained, still leaning on her car."That sounds like a plan to you?" he added, closing his left eye to look at her in the bright noon sun.

Carrie nodded. Things like this often reminded her of the reasons she had chosen him to start a new life. Well, technically he had chosen her and she had agreed, not without initial hesitation, but she liked to see it the other way around. "Yeah, it does… I'm sorry too, Quinn. I know we should talk about it, we're a family now and I didn't think about that…" she apologized, also falling back on the side of her car and turning to look at him.

"It's okay. I know a lot of stuff's come back since Saul's call and I can't help but worry about you… Where do you wanna go?" Peter asked before she had a chance to object to the 'worry' part.

"Home?" Carrie laughed. "I know it's not fancy but it'll give us more time until picking up Franny from school later…" she explained.

"Sounds good. See you there," he replied smiling as he started walking towards his SUV.

On his drive home Quinn could not stop thinking that lying to Carrie about such a matter like working for the CIA again was not the way he wanted their relationship to work. But given that Saul had already approached Carrie for the job and she was indeed considering it, and Dar had threatened to publicly expose her past actions with the Agency, the idea that he would rather see her working for the Agency again than dealing with the aftermath of the declassification of secret documents regarding her past actions in the CIA finally stuck.

As they arrived home, Dar Adal entered Saul's corner office in Langley.

"You know, Saul, for a spy you're quite predictable too. You're either in your office or kidnapped by terrorists in some secluded location in the Middle East. Frankly, I prefer the former, it makes it easier to contact you…" Dar said as he sat down in one of the chairs in front of his colleague's desk.

"That's kind of you to say. I'll try to keep it in mind the next time I go overseas to try and clean a mess created by your guys in Black Ops…" Saul elaborated from behind his desk. He had an important follow-up meeting in five minutes with the top NSA and CIA rank about Haqqani and chatting with his old friend and colleague was the last thing he wanted now. They had made very little progress in the manhunt they were currently conducting both in Afghanistan and Pakistan and it was due to be a long and complicated meeting.

Dar nodded, completely oblivious to Saul's thoughts. Had he guessed them, he would not have been of much assistance. That sort of meetings were certainly not his forte, he was more an action man, on and off the battlefield. "You've got a point there… Anyway, don't shoot the messenger for I'm the bearer of good news…"

"How good?" Saul inquired with skepticism, raising his right eyebrow. "Please don't make me waste my time, Dar, I have my hands full with Haqqani and…" The clock was ticking and he should have already left his office for the conference room.

"There you go, Haqqani," Dar said raising his right hand for emphasis."What would you say if I told you that your golden girl, that one you desperately seem to need to hunt down Haqqani, will be here tomorrow morning, 8 am?" he added as he nonchalantly leaned on the back of the chair, with a proud look on his face.

"You mean Carrie?" Saul demanded back, his upcoming meeting momentarily forgotten.

Dar chuckled. "How many golden girls do you have, Saul? Don't tell me you've got more than Carrie because I know for sure that you are a faithful man…" he joked, but backpedaled as he noticed Saul's reaction. "Oh, my friend. You must be losing your abilities if you can't recognize a joke…" he added, lifting himself from the chair.

"So Carrie will be here tomorrow?" Saul asked, still surprised, glued to his chair.

Dar nodded. "She will. Get all her credentials ready, she´ll be here, 8 sharp," he stated.

"And what the fuck did you do to get her come here?" Saul inquired again, now standing by his friend and walking him to the door of his office.

Dar stopped on his tracks and turned to face Saul before entering the hallway. "Why do you care, Saul? You wanted her, didn't you? Well, don't look a gift horse in the mouth…"

Saul sighed. "If you dared to resort to any…" he started.

Adal chuckled again. "Don't tell me you weren't intending to do it yourself… you should be grateful I've spared you the ugly part…."

It suddenly hit Saul. It was all there, in front of him. It had been right there since the moment Dar had stepped into his office: the way he was proud of getting Carrie back in the CIA, her sudden chance of mind, without even contacting him (after all, he had been the one to ask for her assistance). "Oh, I see. She doesn't know yet that she's fucking coming tomorrow, does she, Dar?"

His colleague just raised his eyebrows. He really hated it when Saul worried about the minor details, overlooking the bigger picture. "Quinn does, and, believe me, you can bet he'll make sure she's here tomorrow morning."

Saul frowned. "What the hell did you do? They're out, Dar, as much as you and I don't like it," he said angrily.

Dar smirked. "Stop whining, Saul. You wanted the girl, you have her. Tomorrow. It's funny that Black Ops always has to lend a hand. A thank you now and then would be nice, by the way…" he complained before walking down the hallway, shaking his head.

Meanwhile, Carrie was trying to express out loud her conflicted emotions since Saul's name had suddenly appeared on her cell phone screen.

"I'm really sorry Quinn, but I think I won't be able to fucking live with myself if there's a chance I can help to track him down and I don't do it," she explained. "That doesn't mean I don't love you… or Franny…" she added, after diverting her gaze briefly to the right only to lock eyes with him again. They had had a light lunch and were now sitting on the couch, facing each other, each of their backs resting on the arms of the sofa.

Peter nodded. "I understand. You don't have to apologize. I was there, remember?"

"How could I forget…" she mumbled. That had been one of the most difficult and dangerous times of all the years she had worked for the Agency. "I don't want you to think that I don't cherish our life, because I do, I really do, Quinn. Never in my dreams could I imagine that it would be like this, but…" Carrie trailed off, her lower lip quivering as she felt her eyes well with tears. The CIA, Haqqani, Islamabad, Aayan… all that brought back too many emotions she was doing her best to keep at bay.

Despite his enormous concern about her health, Quinn really understood what she was going through since Saul had called her. It had happened before: when duty had called again over the years, she had never been strong enough to resist that call. Her life with Franny and him was only making her struggle with the decision, but he was positive now that that decision had been made by her subconscious mind the minute she hopped off Saul's SUV. That reinforced the idea that had taken up residence in his mind since his meeting with his former mentor and boss: there was no need for Carrie to be aware of Dar's threats. "Carrie, if you really want to do it, you've got my full support… It's just that I worry about you…" he finally said.

Carrie smiled and blinked, trying to get rid of her tears without shedding them. "You shouldn't. I'm a big girl, I can take care of myself…"

He raised his eyebrows. "I know you can," he chuckled. "But I also know that there's no such thing as a part time job behind a desk in the CIA, at least I'm sure that's not what they want you for. And you know firsthand the pressure, the stressful situations… I'm afraid that would take a toll in your health Carrie…" Peter explained.

She shook her head. "It won't, Quinn, you don't have to worry about that…"

Quinn could not help but chuckle. "How can you be so sure? I don't wanna bring back bad memories but…"

Carrie softly snorted, her eyes still fixed on his. "I'm sure because I live with you now, and I have no doubt that you'll keep a close eye on me…"

"But will you listen to me? Will you fucking listen, Carrie?" he insisted.

Carrie nodded. "I will, I promise," she nervously ran her hand through her blonde hair and tucked a strand behind her ear. "I love you…" she finally added, and crawled on the couch until she reached his knees and leant in to kiss him.

"I love you too. Go ahead and call Saul, I'm sure he´d like you to start asap…" Quinn whispered, breaking the kiss and wishing, not for the first time, that they were free from their past so nobody, not even themselves, could make them go back to that kind of life.

Totally oblivious to his current thoughts, Carrie began to place soft kisses along his jaw. "Shall we seal this deal in the bedroom? I know we should wait till the next cycle but I just wanna be with you…"

"Frankly, I don't fucking care about your next cycle right now…" he replied, cupping her face with both hands and kissing her deeply in an attempt to deal with his angst.

And as Quinn took Carrie's hand in his and led her upstairs, he wished his well-meaning lie would not end up backfiring at him, or at her, for that matter. Little did he know that that was exactly what would happen, and much earlier than what he could have expected.


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: I do not own Homeland, or any of its characters or plots. All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners.

"Carrie, how are you?" Saul greeted her when Carrie called him that afternoon. He had been waiting to see her name on the caller ID in his cell since Dar had barged into his office earlier.

"Cut the crap, Saul, will you?” Carrie replied as she nervously tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear and leant on the kitchen counter. She had left Quinn upstairs taking a shower and getting ready to go and pick up Franny while she called her former boss to tell him that she was game. She had just taken one of the most difficult decisions of her life, to which Saul had led her for the last two days, and now he sounded all polite and caring all of a sudden. His tone irritated her. “ _ And now he fucking thinks I’ve forgotten all about Pakistan _ ?” she thought to herself, trying deliberately to put an actual distance between them. Yes, she was about to go back to work for the CIA, but that did not mean that she agreed with Dar and Saul’s actions regarding Islamab and the events that took place there when she was Station Chief. 

"I'm just doing my best to be polite here, Carrie. Our last conversation was not very nice, nor productive, remember?" Saul sighed, taking off his glasses and pitching his nose, completely oblivious to the reaction his words were triggering on her. 

"Nice?" Carrie's eyes were now open wide. Hearing his voice and, mostly, his tone, was making her forget the actual reason she had to be calling him. "Fuck you Saul!" she could not help but exclaim. 

"Believe it or not, I still think that you’re the only one who can help us track down Haqqani, no matter how hard our last conversation was. Unless you’ve changed your mind since then… ” Saul trailed off, trying to hide a smile. Apparently Dar had been right: she was coming back. And, of course, Carrie being Carrie, she would not make it easy for her former mentor and boss.

She snorted. "That's funny Saul, so fucking funny,...” She really hated that he knew her so well. She liked to think that Quinn was the person that knew her best, even better and deeper than her sister Maggie, and she liked to remind him of it regularly, especially in their intimate moments. ‘Come on, you know my shit,’ had been Carrie’s first words when Peter finally kissed her for the last time the night of her dad’s funeral. The fact that Quinn knew her so well and loved her despite that had been a revelation back then, and it still was, as more than after two years together he still loved her. Come to think of it, that itself had been the key factor that had led her to want to change her life back then. But it was also undeniable that Saul Berenson had gotten to know her very well over the many years they had worked together. 

Doing his best to try and not lose his patience, Saul sighed and put on his glasses again, looking for a more practical approach. She just needed a little push to remember why she was calling. "Say whatever you want, Carrie, I don't care..."

"You don’t care? That’s hilarious, Saul... You and Dar Adal betrayed all of us. And some of us died there, in case you’ve forgotten...,” she explained as she felt her eyes welling up, vivid images of Farrah crossing her mind. She had not been fond of her former mentor and boss since she had discovered he had been closely working with Dar Adal on a deal with the Talibans and he had kept it from everybody at the CIA, including her.

"Carrie, as much as I really like talking to you, and I don’t really know why, I’m sure there’s a reason for you to be calling, besides accusing us again of something we did not do..." he blurted out. If Dar had been right, she was coming back. He did not want to find out how Adal had gotten her to change her mind (although he suspected Quinn was involved in it somehow), but the last thing he intended was to say something that could prevent her from showing up at Langley the following morning.  _ “She’s called, right? So let’s get over with this before I end up ruining it, _ ” he thought to himself, lifting himself up from the chair behind his desk and starting to walk around his office at a quick pace. 

Much to her dismay, his words brought her back to reality and the reason she had to be calling. "What?" she managed to ask, shaking her head and trying to swallow the lump in her throat.

"Why are you calling Carrie? You haven’t for years…” Saul slowly said in a low voice as he came to a halt. He was getting the impression that he had hit a nerve, and the Agency really needed her working for them again. Too many lives were at stake. He would be happy to resume this argument at his office once she had gone to the CIA HR department and signed all the documents required. 

The line went silent for a few seconds. "You still want my help?" Carrie inquired, thinking that there was no point in having the same argument all over again. Unfortunately nobody could change what went down in Islamabad and bring back the fellow Americans that had died there, but if there was a chance she could cooperate into bringing down Haqqani she would feel better. 

There it was. She had finally admitted it. "Of course. I thought you’d never said it…” Saul sighed, relieved, as he started walking again. “It took you long enough… You can take as long as you need but please help us. As I told you, It'll just be a job behind a desk at Langley, as an analyst. We've got people in the field..." Saul quickly added.

“I remember. And you’d better keep your fucking word, Saul. I have a family now, and I am happy for the first time in my life. I don’t want to throw that overboard just because Haqqani fooled you and damn Dar Adal..." she warned him.

"I’ll bear that in mind… 8 am tomorrow?" Saul said, deliberately avoiding pronouncing the words “I promise.” He had been in that line of work long enough to know that some promises are difficult, when not impossible, to keep. 

When the conversation with Saul was over Carrie left her cell phone on the kitchen counter and closed her eyes, resting her hands on the edge of the marble top. She really wanted to help take down Haqqani, make him pay for all his past action and prevent new attacks, but she was having second thoughts about working alongside Saul and Dar Adal 

"How did it go?" Quinn whispered in a low, almost sexy voice, as he walked into the kitchen and held her by her waist affectionately. 

"I.. I don’t know Quinn…” she muttered back, turning around and facing him.

"What do you mean? You’ve changed your mind?" he asked, raising his eyebrows. His heart skipped a bit when he heard her reply. During the last hours he had made peace with the idea that he would rather see Carrie working for the Agency again than dealing with the aftermath of the declassification of secret documents regarding her past actions in the CIA. He did not wish to see her go through that at all. 

Carrie shrugged and briefly diverted her eyes to the kitchen door, and glanced back at him while she bit her lower lip. "I don’t know if I’ll be able to work with these people again..." she finally voiced out after a few seconds.

_ " _ Just a while ago you told me that you wouldn’t be able to fucking live with yourself if there’s a chance you can help to track Haqqani down and you don’t do it, Carrie… _ "  _ he softly said.

Totally oblivious to her husband's thoughts she went on rambling. "I can’t overlook that they dishonored every officer, every soldier at the embassy by making a deal with him…” she firmly stated trying to get her lips to stop quivering. 

"Hey, I know, I know..." Quinn tried to comfort her, stepping closer to her and extending his right hand to gently cup her face and caress her cheek. Carrie placed her left hand on his and slightly tilted her head to feel his palm on the side of her neck while she closed her eyes, finding solace in his touch. Once he sensed that she was calm, he carried on talking. "But this is a way to make Haqqani pay for all that he did.. and still does… And if it helps prevent an attack on American soil… I’m sure working with Saul is peanuts besides all that..." he trailed off, feeling awful for pushing her back to the CIA. A part of him was starting to come to the conclusion that by doing that he was breaching the terms of the agreement that they had reached more than two years ago to quit the Agency and lead a normal civilian life together. Lying to Carrie about such a matter like working for the CIA again was not the way he wanted their relationship to work.

Carrie opened her eyes and he withdrew his hand. "You really think so? Am I rushing this?" she asked, slightly turning around to check the time displayed on the oven screen. The last thing she wanted now was being late for Franny.

"I support you a hundred percent. That hasn't changed in the last hour and a half..." Quinn quietly mumbled from behind her.

"So what should I do? Fucking ignore them? Pretend that they no longer work there? That may be difficult..." she inquired, turning back to face him again, nervously moving her hands.

"Just be you, Carrie. Everything is gonna be okay. Just promise me you´ll take care of yourself..." Quinn slowly answered in that low voice she was not able to resist since that night when he had asked her to get out of the CIA together. He rested his hands on her hips and eagerly waited for her response. 

Carrie nodded, looking around for her phone. "I promise…”

Sensing that she was distracted and worried about being late for Franny, he raised his right hand from her hip and placed it under her chin, gently tilting his head to lock eyes with her. “I know I’ve just asked you this, but will you fucking listen to me, Carrie, if I see that you don’t take care of yourself? If anything goes south, it will affect Franny…” he added. He had been worried for the last weeks that her discontent about her civilian job would end up triggering a depressive episode, as her health wellness was the most important thing to him, along with Franny’s wellbeing, so the mere thought that working for the Company again could jeopardize all that made him sick. 

“I will, Quinn,” she finally replied, placing her arms around his neck and hugging him. “You have my permission to call me out and resort to drastic measures if I don’t. Don’t hesitate to call my doctor and do what you have to do,” she whispered in his ear.

Peter’s heart sunk as he heard her words. A few weeks before they had gotten married Carie had announced to him that she had listed him as her emergency contact and her next of kin. “You know me well, Quinn. When necessary, please don’t hesitate to do what you think it’s best,” she had casually said, and as time went by Quinn thought that fortunately it seemed that he would never be put in that position. But now she was reminding him about it. 

  
“Whatever I do, I’ll do it because I love you,” he managed to mutter back. “I don’t wanna be late for Franny,” Peter added, quickly kissing her cheek and taking his cell and keys on his way to the door. As he drove to the school, he wished, not for the first time, that they both could be free from their past so nobody, not Dar, not Saul, not Haqqani and his supporters, not even themselves, could make them go back to the kind of existence you could aim for if you worked for the CIA. But apparently, much to his chagrin, Carrie was diving back into it and there was nothing he could do to stop it. He had even encouraged her in order to protect her from Dar’s threats. “ _ This can’t end well,” _ he sadly thought as he parked his SUV and hopped out to get Franny. Little did he know back then that he was totally right about that.


	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimer: I do not own Homeland, or any of its characters or plots. All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners.

A mixture of emotions washed over Carrie as she brought her car to a stop in the parking lot of Langley the following morning. Unexpectedly she had slept through the night, feeling Quinn’s warm reassuring body beside her, and she thought that she was ready to face whatever feelings going back to work with the Agency could bring. So now it took her off-guard. The scenery had not changed a bit since she had set foot there for the last time nearly three years ago, and as she hopped out and locked her car and started walking towards the main entrance, mixed memories of the different situations she had experimented there began to flood her mind. And the people she had shared those hard experiences with: Estes, Brody, Saul... 

She felt her racing heart calming down when a vivid image of Quinn, in that very same parking lot, clearly reluctant to share a cigarette with her when she was pregnant, pushed all the memories away, and she was shyly smiling by the time she reached the information desk. At least all her credentials were ready for her there, she had to give Saul that, and she found herself going through those revolving doors in no time.

As she made her way down the hallway, she could not help but divert her eyes to the memorial wall on her right, quickly searching for Brody’s star. Years ago, months after his dead in Iran, Carrie had asked whether, at the upcoming CIA memorial, Brody might be given a star alongside the fallen agents, but Lockhart, Director of the CIA at the time, had refused, invoking that Brody was not a CIA employee and he did not believe that an erstwhile would-be terrorist merited such an honor. Later that night, hours after the ceremony, Carrie had walked through the CIA's halls, approached the memorial wall, and had furtively drawn a star in memory of Brody with a marker pen. 

Now all that seemed a lifetime ago. But, incredibly, his handmade star was still there. Apparently no one had noticed it. " _ Well, that probably means that not too many people do actually look at this wall _ ," Carrie sadly thought, remembering, once more, Farah and the rest of fellow Americans that died during the attack on the embassy in Islamabad.

When she turned her head back to walk to the elevators, Carrie felt her eyes well and did her best to try and keep her tears at bay. She had worked very hard over the last years to bury all those memories from her time in Pakistan under thick layers of guilt and remorse, and she had painfully learnt to live with it. But there were times when those memories hit back at her full force, and this was one of them. Fortunately for her, she rode alone on the elevator and that gave her time to calm down.

Her first stop, before even meeting the team she would be working with, was the HR department. It was not the first time that Carrie had gone over that ‘welcome’ process over the years, but somehow it all felt new. The truth was that she had never been able to build a full and happy life in between those times, like she had now with Quinn. Plus many young faces inhabited the desks, and she was grateful as that made things easier while she waited to sign her contract and all the paperwork related to it. No questions asked and no greeting people she had not missed at all during the last three years. On the other side, she could not remember signing so many non disclosure and confidential clauses back in the day, but probably that had not changed much and she just did not recall it.

When she finally finished complying with all the requirements from Human Resources, Carrie got to her new desk. She had worked in that room before, with Saul, many years ago, but it was also completely changed. Even the color on the walls had gone from a dull grey to a light blue that reflected the incoming sunlight, making the room look brighter than she remembered it. Her desk lacked any personal objects on it, but she found a yellow post-it note on the keyboard. The message written on it was short, and there was no name on it, yet she recognized the handwriting at once. Saul. "See you at the briefing."

Carrie sighed. Not seeing her former mentor and boss before the rest of the team certainly also made things much easier. She then wondered if he would still be her boss. She had been too focused on holding his treason against him that she had forgotten to ask about the specifics of the job when she had called him to let him know that she was in.

Her doubts were dispelled as soon as all the team gathered in the conference room and Saul got the briefing started. He was obviously in charge of the team, so Carrie would be working under him once more. " _ Great _ ," she thought to herself, trying to focus on the task at hand instead of who her boss was.

Once the briefing was over, many thoughts filled her mind.

First of all, they really had a lot of work to do. According to what Carrie had just heard, they had made very little progress in the manhunt they were currently conducting both in Afghanistan and Pakistan. In fact, they had no intelligence at all regarding the current whereabouts of Haqqani. The last reliable intel had been obtained more than a week before, when a communication alluding to an attack on American soil had been intercepted by CIA operatives in a remote area of Afghanistan. " _ What the fuck have they been doing all this time _ ?  _ Who do we have on the field _ ?" Carrie wondered.

Second, she really liked the team Saul had put together to track down Haqqani. She had to admit that he had always excelled in choosing the right people for each mission. Aside from three new young analysts whom she had not met before, who seemed to be straight out of college, the rest were seasoned CIA analysts and agents who had been posted in Afghanistan and Pakistan and had a deep knowledge of the region. As a matter of fact, two of them had worked under Carrie when she had been station chief in Kabul (when she became the youngest station chief in CIA history), and they had proved to be very effective and reliable back then, when she had authorized the air strike that successfully destroyed the farmhouse where Haissam Haqqani was supposed to be according to the intelligence they had received from Islamabad. Aayan had been attending a family wedding party at that farm… She immediately tried to distract her mind from those memories as she sat behind her desk. 

Carrie spent the rest of the morning catching up with all the information they had gathered so far, trying to look at it with new eyes, and by the time she raised her head from the files it was already time to go. She had never had a part-time job in her life and found it very strange to leave before her colleagues. That afternoon, when Quinn came home and asked her about her first day, she could not find the words to convey the way that she had felt being back. Instead of words, thick and silent tears began to fall down her cheeks and her lips started quivering. 

"That bad, uh?" Peter mumbled, pulling her in for a hug. She had been in the kitchen when he had entered the house and had turned to face him as she had heard his question. This was exactly what he had feared about her coming back to the CIA: all the memories, the guilt, the remorse surfacing again and taking a toll on her mental health. He tried to calm down and took a deep breath: they were not there yet. She still had not pronounced a word.

"It wasn't actually bad..." she whispered against his chest, her voice muffled.

He tilted his head back to make eye contact with her, his hand on the back of her head. "It wasn't? So what is it?" Peter asked, confusion written all over his face. He surely had not been expecting that answer.

Carrie shrugged and leant bank on the counter, breaking their embrace and keeping her right hand on his waist. "I mean, it hasn't been a bad day. Spent almost an hour signing fucking papers at HR, then quite a long briefing with the team, quite boring if you ask me... It wasn't bad... but all the emotions when I got through those doors, Quinn, all the memories came back full force..." she trailed off, her eyes bright. 

"I'm sorry Carrie, I'm sorry you had to go through all that in your mind again..." he said placing his hand on her neck, and caressing her cheek with his thumb. 

"No, it's okay. I’m sure it won’t happen tomorrow. It was just going back for the first time, you know?” she explained. “It's the right thing to do, Quinn..." she added when she noticed his brow furrow, her hand still on his waist.

He nodded. "I know. How're things with Saul?" he inquired letting his hand go of her neck and motioning towards one of the stools, where he sat down. 

Carrie turned around to face him from the other side of the counter. "I didn’t see much of him. Just a quick 'Hello' before the briefing..." During her drive home she had concluded that maybe Saul had been kind enough to let her have some space on her first day, but there was also a possibility that he had been busy somewhere else. “ _ You know, Carrie, not everything revolves around you _ ,” she could hear her husband's teasing voice in her mind.

"Any people I know on the team?" Quinn asked, bringing her back to reality..

Carrie smiled. "Yes…” she started saying, but it only took her a second to change her pace. “I'm afraid that's classified, Quinn..." she sighed. It was a strange feeling, not being able to share details about her job with him. “ _ What the fuck? We met working… _ ” she wanted to scream at the realization. Not being able to share with him such an important part of her life had never happened before, as he had always had been by her side since they had met, and she suddenly realized that her new job would definitely make them lose part of their dynamic as a couple. She just hoped they would be able to adjust to it. 

"Right..." Peter said. It had not crossed his mind, either. First, he had been too worried thinking about the repercussions that her eventual comeback could have on her health, and then, hiding Adal’s threats from her and pretending that he supported her decision one hundred percent. The fact that she would not be able to share anything had been lost on him, and, without knowing that Carrie was having the same thoughts, he wished they would find a way to navigate through that together. 

Noticing that it had also taken him by surprise, Carrie sat on a stool beside him. "Agg Quinn, I fucking hate I can´t tell you about it... But you'd be happy to know that there're people on the team that we both like and respect..." she stated, trying to stop him from worrying too much, if that was possible. 

"That's great, Carrie..." he managed to mumble, thankful that apparently Saul was still very good at gathering his own team when the mission at hand required it. 

But he still looked quite concerned, so Carrie made an effort to cheer him up a bit. “By the way, Lucy and María from the European desk and Erin from RH, the three of them asked about you..." she casually mentioned as she stood up to make a pot of fresh coffee. 

Peter's face immediately relaxed, smirking. "You jealous?" he inquired, raising his eyebrows, following her with his blue gaze.

Carrie snorted while she got the coffee machine started. "No, but they were really interested to know what you're up to these days..."

"Did you tell them that I've turned into the perfect husband?" he inquired as he got up and took two mugs from the cabinet, placing them right beside the coffee machine, and reaching out for the sugar bowl. 

"No, should I?" she joked, happy to see that bringing up his admirers at Langley had made the trick. But his response was far from she was expecting.

"Nah... I'm sure they are all over me by now..." he cockily said, opening one of the drawers and taking two coffee spoons. 

Carrie looked at him. "What? You're so full of yourself..." she laughed. 

Peter shrugged. "If you don't believe me, you can ask them, if you want..."

Apparently they had been more than admirers. "Really? The three of them?” Carrie asked. She had always known that he was very well-liked among the female population, even before they had gotten together, which she could not understand at the time, but she had never heard rumors about flings with work colleagues.

Quinn shrugged again, and she could tell that he was blushing. “Not at the same time, though…”

“Okay, Romeo, I got it…” Carrie joked again, suddenly feeling that she did not want to know anything concerning Quinn’s love life before he had kissed her by his truck the night of her father’s funeral. 

That night, when they were in bed reading before going to sleep, Carrie placed her book on her lap and looked at him. Sometimes, when she watched him doing mundane things, like now, she could not believe that he had chosen her to share his life with him. The light blue shirt he was wearing enhanced the color of his eyes, and she did her best not to stare, but as his gaze was fixed on the book, he had probably noticed that she was checking him out-

“Quinn?” she asked in a low voice, in order not to wake up Franny. Her bedroom was across the hall but she seemed to have developed a special skill to hear her parents talking and join them in their room when she was supposed to be asleep. 

“Yeah?” he answered, his attention still on the book.

“Brody’s star is still on the wall…” Carrie whispered. He had been the only person she had told about it back in the day, when she had appeared on his doorstep that same night after the ceremony, unannounced, and he had held her close on the couch while she cried on his shoulder. During that night, he had felt Franny kicking inside Carrie, and not for the first time he had wished that the child she was expecting was his and not Brody’s. He did not know back then that he would raise her daughter as if she were his own blood. 

Her words made him forget about his reading and he quickly closed the book, looking at her and searching for any signs of distress. “And how do you feel about it?” Quinn softly inquired.

She sighed. “Happy, because I think he deserves it, and sad, because it seems nobody has taken a close look at that wall for years… How can people forget?” Her lips started quivering and he put his arm on her shoulders, bringing her to rest on his chest.  _ “And she hasn’t actually started working _ …” he thought.

  
“You promise me that you’re gonna keep away all those negative thoughts, please?” Maybe if she managed to navigate through those ideas during her part-time job she would be okay. “ _ After all, she isn’t likely to be on the field again. We can make it work until they get that bastard Haqqani.”  _ Little did Quinn know back then that Carrie would be in Kabul in a week, and that once there she would have to face new situations for which she was not ready at all. 


End file.
